Reflections on Homeschooling: What About Friends? - Will My Children Have Any Friends If I Homeschool?: Part 1

What about friends?  Will my children have any friends if I homeschool?  I think it is safe to say that most homeschooling mothers worry about those questions at some time during their homeschool journey.  If a homeschooling mother doesn't worry about such matters, she can rest assured that somebody else will and will ask her about it.

I've been homeschooling for quite a while now and I'm usually not caught off-guard by questions and concerns from others about our educational choices anymore.  But, last year at an out-of-state swim meet, I went out to dinner with the coaches, swimmers, and the swimmers' parents.  I didn't know any of the parents well and one of the swimmers brought up the fact that my daughter is homeschooled.  One of the other parents looked at me and said, "She's a teenager.  What about her social life?"

I floundered a bit and then recovered by talking a bit about my daughter's friends, youth group at church, and the social contacts she has through USA swimming.  I never fully recovered, though, and felt a bit defensive and out-of-sorts the rest of the evening.  Apparently, the myth that homeschoolers stay at home, friendless and alone, chained to their desks with no contact with the outside world is still prevalent.

Whenever I've started to worry about the friends issue, I try to remember that going to school doesn't automatically guarantee that a child will make lots of friends, or actually any friends.  As Benjamin Franklin was quoted:

• All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse. 

If a homeschooling mother is struggling with her own fears about her children making friends or trying to deal with the negative comments of others, it is easy to think that all would be well in her child's social life if her child just went to school.  Well, that may be so...or it may not.  Just as homeschooling is not perfect, neither are traditional schools.

An extremely quick internet search reveals that making friends is a concern for children who go to a brick and mortar school as well.  Children who attend school may have to deal with bullying, cliques, and negative peer pressure.  So, while attending a traditional school may possibly solve a homeschooled child's need for friends, it may not.  I would argue that it is a myth that all traditionally schooled children have friends and are happy with their social lives.

For many homeschooling parents, having less peer pressure for their children was one of the very reasons behind their decision to homeschool.  There are those who argue that parents really don't matter all - the peer group is the most important determining factor of behavior in a child's life.  If you really want to have nightmares, read, "Do Pals Matter More Than Parents?"  Homeschooling, for many, is an attempt to keep parents as the most important influence over children's lives, rather than peers.

While I do think that friends are important for children, I also strongly believe that friends need to be kept in their proper place.  The importance of friends in a child's life should not be elevated above the importance of a child's family - even during the teen years - especially during the teen years.  Having a family-centered life is difficult in today's society.  I think pressures exist from all sides to pull children away from their parents.  Friends are important but activities with friends should not usurp activities with one's own family for children.

Back to the original question, though - What About Friends? - Will My Children Have Any Friends If I Homeschool?  I do think that friends for one's children is a real concern and not a trivial one.  The short answer to this question is, yes - given a minimum degree of effort on a homeschooling parent's part, a homeschooled child will, most likely, make friends.

In Parts 2, 3, and 4 in this series about homeschooling and friends, I'll discuss what I've done over our years of homeschooling to give my children opportunities to make friends.  I'll also discuss how I feel my children's friendship needs have changed as they've gotten older.  Lastly, I hope I'll help to put any new homeschoolers' fears to rest about their children making friends.

Yes, homeschooled children do make friends and there are lots of things a homeschool parent can do to try to foster friendships for their children.  But, most importantly, I think that the importance of the family and family activities must be elevated above the issue of friends for children.  For the most part, friends come and go but a child's family will be a part of his or her life for the rest of his or her life.